policeman

I was driving down the street, having just finished answering a call when a police man suddenly opened the passenger door, entered and jammed it.
As usual he wanted"something" from me..
Then suddenly he saw the big Rothweiller dog-Jackie at the back-seat with tongue stuck out staring fiercely at him.

POLICEMAN: [Shaking] Ah! You carry dog?

ME: [I bone face] Yes i carry dog,dat one na offense?

POLICEMAN:[Feelinguncomfortable] Na where una D̶̲̥̅̊ε̲̣̣̣̥γ̲̣ ̣̥ come from?

ME: From hospital
POLICEMAN: Ehen! you sick?

ME: No, na person wey d dog bite we go greet

POLICEMAN: [Terribly shaken by now]Ehen! but why d dog dey shake head like dat?

ME: Na so im dey do if e wan bite person.

POLICEMAN: and d dog know you?

ME: Yes nah, no be my dog?

POLICEMAN: [Sweating] This your door, how you dey open am?

ME: how you take enter?

POLICEMAN: Abeg, Na since i dey try open am but e no open [The dog was now getting impatient and gave a small grunt, it's tongue
almost touching the policeman's left ear]

POLICEMAN: [Now leaning toward the dashboard] Oga I take God beg you, open the door for me make I comot, I no go collect anything from you [I opened the door for him and he jumped out, the last thing i heard himsay was:

POLICEMAN: God punish you idiot, eno go ever better for you and your yeye dog, wicked man.

=))º°˚˚˚°ºнaĦaн aº°˚˚˚°º=)) . = ˚°◦º°˚˚˚ °ºнaĦaн aº°˚˚

Ecox

mr presido

A plane was about to crash and there were only four parachutes on the plane. Meanwhile there were five people on it. The first person, Lionel Messi, said, "I'm the world's best footballer right now, I cant die now!"

So he took one of the parachutes and left. The second person, Aliko Dangote, said, "I'm the richest man in Africa, I can't die now, I'm needed in Africa!"

So he took the second parachute and left. The third was the Nigerian President and he said, "I'm the smartest President in the world, so I cant die now, my people still need me!"

So he took one and left.

Then it was left with the Pope and a little school girl. The Pope said to the little girl, "Take the last one, I'll sacrifice my life for you."

The little girl replied, "No need for that, There are two parachutes left."

The pope asked her, "How come?"

The little girl replied, "The Nigerian President took my school bag."

One word 4 d Nigerian President?

mobile money message

Akpos mistakenly sent 800 Thousand airtime to a wrong phone number via Mobile Money.
Akpos realized that before the person withdraws the whole money, he had to think of what to do if he wants to get his money back.
To the person phone number. He immediately sent a text message:
Hi Boss, i hope you are okay. I hope you’ve received the money i sent you for the introduction ceremony of joining Illuminati Satanism Schedule to happen by12 midnight. That money is only for transport. I will send you more for pocket money and there are riches awaiting you. Remember to carry a syringe and needle meant to draw your blood every 20 minutes.
Please don’t be late because the devil will be present to officiate the ceremony. Thanks inadvance. But in case you are not ready to join, please send back the money.
4 Minutes later. Akpos gets a Mobile Money message – You have received 800 Thousand Naira for your mobile money account.

One word for Akpos!

Akpos mistakenly sent 800 Thousand airtime to a wrong phone number via Mobile Money.
Akpos realized that before the person withdraws the whole money, he had to think of what to do if he wants to get his money back.
To the person phone number. He immediately sent a text message:
Hi Boss, i hope you are okay. I hope you’ve received the money i sent you for the introduction ceremony of joining Illuminati Satanism Schedule to happen by12 midnight. That money is only for transport. I will send you more for pocket money and there are riches awaiting you. Remember to carry a syringe and needle meant to draw your blood every 20 minutes.
Please don’t be late because the devil will be present to officiate the ceremony. Thanks inadvance. But in case you are not ready to join, please send back the money.
4 Minutes later. Akpos gets a Mobile Money message – You have received 800 Thousand Naira for your mobile money account.

One word for Akpos!

PROBLEM ON TOP MATTER..

PROBLEM ON TOP MATTER...

TEACHER(drew a map of Nigeria on the board): Who can tell me what I drew on d board?
STUDENTS: No answer
TEACHER: So nobody can tell me what is on d board right?
STUDENTS: No answer except Akpors
TEACHER: Ok Akpors come out. Who else?
STUDENTS: No answer.
TEACHER: Is it only Akpors that is in dis class? (realy angry)
Ok Akpors take this cain & give everybody in this class five, five strokes.
After 'caining' and the whole class was in tears.
TEACHER: Now Akpors, tell d class what I drew on d board?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
. .
AKPORS: Eh... Its a YAM sir!
If you were part of the student beaten by Akpors, what will you do to him?

o girl eh

A newly wedded girl was being welcomed at the
husband’s home in a traditional manner.
She was asked to give a little speech.
She addressed as follows; My dear family members, i
thank you for welcoming me in my new home and
family“, she said “Firstly, with my presence i would
not want to create any inconveniences by my being
here. I mean that i don’t want you all to change your
way of life, your routine.
“What do you mean my child?” asked her Mother-In-
Law.
What i mean is; Those who used to wash dishes
must carry on washing them. Those who used to do
the laundry must carry on doing it. Those who cook
should not stop on my account. Those who used to
clean should continue cleaning. As for me, i am here
just to control your son.

One word for the Girl?

o king

A King had a male servant who,
in all
circumstances always said to
him; My king, do not be
discouraged because everything
God does is
perfect,no mistakes. One day,
they went hunting and a
wild animal attacked the king,the
servant managed to
kill the animal but
couldn't prevent his majesty from
losing a finger.
Furious and without showing
gratitude,the King said;if
God was good,I would not have
been attacked and lost
one finger.
The servant replied;Despite all
these things,I can only
tell you that God is good and
everything He does is
perfect,He is never
wrong.Outraged by the
response,the king ordered the
arrest of his servant.
Later, he left for another hunt
and was captured by
savages who use human beings
for
sacrifice.
In the altar, the savages found
out that the king didn't
had one finger in place, he was
released because he
was considered not "complete"to
be offered to the
gods.
On his return to the palace, he
authorized the release
of his servant and said; My friend,
God was really good
to me. I was almost killed but for
lack of a single finger
I was let go.
But I have a question; If God is so
good, why did He
allow me to put you in jail?. He
replied; My king, if I
had gone with you,
I would have been sacrificed
because
I have no missing finger.

Everything God does is
perfect, He is never wrong.
Often we complain about life,and
the negative things
that happen to us, forgetting that
nothing is random,
and that everything has a
purpose. God knows why he
chose you to receive this message
today,
Do you Believe God is on your
side?
Comment "AMEN" if you truly
believe in him.
Share to encourage others

women palava

>>>WoMeN_PalaVa<<<

~ A guy bought a girl a nice gift last year, she said
she couldn't
find the words to thank him. So he bought her a
dictionary
this year.
She broke up with him.

~ They will argue with you for more than 20 minutes
and
they will be like "I'm not even going to argue with
you"...
Ahn ahn, what have you been doing since??

~ At 20 - 25yrs, they will be screening guys to date
as if
it's MTN project fame, and by the time they are more
than
28yrs, they will start searching for guys as if it's
Gulder
Ultimate Search.

~ Every girl always pray for HARD WORKING man as
husband, but they don't respond to greetings from
Brick
layers, Barrow pushers, etc

~ Most of this ladies will be killing themselves trying
to
wear expensive weeve-ons, when they all know that
most
of us guys don't even know the difference between a
Brazilian hair and Darling Yaki
*
*
*
I don tire 4 dem no b small

women palava

>>>WoMeN_PalaVa<<<

~ A guy bought a girl a nice gift last year, she said
she couldn't
find the words to thank him. So he bought her a
dictionary
this year.
She broke up with him.

~ They will argue with you for more than 20 minutes
and
they will be like "I'm not even going to argue with
you"...
Ahn ahn, what have you been doing since??

~ At 20 - 25yrs, they will be screening guys to date
as if
it's MTN project fame, and by the time they are more
than
28yrs, they will start searching for guys as if it's
Gulder
Ultimate Search.

~ Every girl always pray for HARD WORKING man as
husband, but they don't respond to greetings from
Brick
layers, Barrow pushers, etc

~ Most of this ladies will be killing themselves trying
to
wear expensive weeve-ons, when they all know that
most
of us guys don't even know the difference between a
Brazilian hair and Darling Yaki
*
*
*
I don tire 4 dem no b small

9ja palava

A Catholic Priest was dying in a hospital. Then he tells the doctor to call a Nigeria Police Officer and a politician.
Within minutes, a police Officer and a politician pops in. He tells them to sit on either side of the bed and he says nothing.
The priest holds both the hands of the Police Officer and the politician. The guys get so touched and at the same time felt important for being summoned by a priest in his dying moment.
Then finally, the politician asked"But why did you call us?"
The priest gathered all his strength and said,"Jesus died between two thieves.....I want to go the same way.

Lolz
*
*
*
*
9ja Palava Shaaaaaa!
LaFF It Off

mumu na mumu

Akpos was asked to go and buy things in the market. Due to akpos illiteracy, his madam gave him a list to help him buy accurately.
List
Magi - 10 naira
Salt - 50 naira
Oil - 200 naira
Fish - 400 naira
Total = 660 naira
So akpos left the house around 11am and at 3pm he is not yet back from the market.
The madam was so worried and decided to call akpos on phone.
Madam: helo akpos what is holding you, you have stayed too long, what happend?
Akpos replied: I have bought the magi, salt, oil and fish but am looking for Total to buy, you included Total in the list you gave to me. I have gone round the market but nobody has Total. But am lucky because I met a man here whom directed me to Total petrol station. So am on my way to the petrol station to check whether I will see Total and buy.

Hmmmmm!
Mumu na Mumu
No matter what

A Boy Akpos always goes to the mirror to greet himself whenever he wakes up.
He has been doing it for days.
His mother noticed this.
One morning he goes to the mirror to greet himself.
His mother called him and asked why he always does it?
He replied; The girl across the street told me to "RESPECT MYSELF".
One word for Akpos.

A man Ochuko, was travelling on a long journey and decided his wife should wear steel underwear so that she wouldn't cheat on him before he comes back.
He locked the underwear and gave the key to his bestfriend Akpos, and said; Hold the key for me, don't give it to anybody o. Please, keep it in a safe place. I don't want to come back and find out someone opened this place.
Akpos said; I have heard you.
Ochuko had not gone too far when he heard his name, and looked back, and saw Akpos running towards him.
He asked; What is wrong?
Akpos replied; You gave me the wrong key.
One word for Akpos.

cake designer mistake

A Bride told a cake designer Akpos to write on her wedding cake; There is no fear in love but perfect love cast out fear (1 John 4:18).
Akpos forgot and wrote John 4:18
At the wedding, the Groom and the Congregation were shocked to see on the wedding cake; You have already been married 5 times and the man you are now living with is not your husband (John 4:18).
One word for Akpos.

JUST ONE WORD PLSSSSSSS.
Is this
1...Hunger
2..love
3..madness
4..others specify

Akpors's father was going for a brain
cancer operation)
.
AKPORS: Papa don't die pls.
FATHER: Don't worry akpors even if i die,
Don't forget to protect the family, don't
forget to protect your sisters and our lands.
Most importantly - incase i die - i have
10million naira in my account and 7million
under my bed. My Atm password is 5555.
AKPORS: (smiling) Papa no problem, pls don't
forget to die quick oh.
.

MOTHERS ARE OUR HEROES

MOTHERS ARE OUR HEROES
- Naturally she is a Mum,
- She is a cook of all time,
- A maid,
- A teacher,
- A nanny,
- A nurse,
- A driver,
- A security officer to safe guard her baby,
- A photographer,
- A counselor,
- A comforter,
- An alarm clock,
- She works 24 hours a day,
- She doesn’t get holidays, sick pay or days off,
- She works through day and night no matter all
the challenges she faces and gets paid in hugs and
kisses!
Seriously Mothers are our heroes; cherish everything
you mother does or what she did for you. Respect
and love your mother if you still have her around.
Hit LIKE, SHARE & COMMENT with “I LOVE YOU
MUM” if you still have your mum around, And if she
passed away say a Short a prayer for her or
comment with “R.I.P DEAR MOTHER” Ignore if
you’re not proud of your mum.

NO BE ME TALK AM OOOOOOO

TEACHER: Who is the President of Nigeria?
CHILDREN: (They all chorused) Lamido Sanusi!
TEACHER: Correct! Who is the Minister of Defence?
CHILDREN: Chief Ateke Tom!
TEACHER: Good! What is the capital city of Nigeria?
CHILDREN: Enugu!
TEACHER: Very good! Who composed the National Anthem? CHILDREN: D-Banj and Elvis Grey!
TEACHER: Excellent. What do you call people from Moscow? CHILDREN: Mosquitoes!
TEACHER: Perfect! How much is 2 + 5?
CHILDREN: 25!
TEACHER: That's great! You're going to be stupid like this until your government increases my salary!
Guest who this teacher is...

BOYS ARE NOT SMILING

BOYS ARE NOT SMILING
Sometimes I wish Nigeria can Copy India in aspect of marriage...... I know its no longer news to most of us that in India its the bride that pays the bride price or Dowry to the Groom and not the other way around like its being done here in africa...
Ε for make sense die, just take for example, imagine me and Ibiye are dating now and we want to have a settled life together, then Ibiye comes with her family to my house to know how much I would take for my dowry and also collect the list of items they would buy for the marriage.... Hehehehehehe
For my mind hahahahaha
But seriously with the way some parents demand so much from a man just because he wants to marry their daughter making it look as if they are selling her, if to say we fit copy india method for 9ja our girls for hear am for my hand I swear!
My bride price alone will be $20 million dollars cash and that must be paid before we even make any preparations for the wedding! Then the bride's family must buy me 2 range rover sport cars and 1 pink ferrari, a house in Lekki and finally a very expensive Diamond ring! Then we can talk of marriage! Ehhhhh too expensive? Ehhh forget it na no more marriage... I'm not forcing You
Hehehehehe....
Guys how una see am na?

DOCTOR

doctor wanted to get off work and go hunting, so he approached his assistant.
“Akpos, I am going hunting tomorrow. I don’t want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic
and take care of my patients.”
“Yes, sir!” – answers Akpos.
The doctor goes hunting and returns the following day and asks : ”So, Akpos, how was your day ?”
Akpos told him that he took care of three patients.
“The first one had a headache so I gave him Tylenol.”
“Bravo, and the second one ?” – asks the doctor.
“The second one had stomach burning and I gave him Malox, sir.” – says Akpos.
“Bravo, bravo! You’re good at this and what about the third one ?” – asks the doctor.
“Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door opened and a woman entered. Like a flame, she undressed
herself, taking off everything including her bra, her panties and lied down on the table. She spread her legs
and shouted : “HELP ME! For five years I have not seen any man!”
The Doctor Shouting lord Jesus! And anxiously asked:
Akpos, what did ye do ?” .
“Well, since she claimed she has not seen any man for five Years, I put. Eye-drops in her eyes.”
One Word for AKPOS
  COMMENT for more!!!

THE AMERICAN

An American man, English man
and Nigerian man, Akpos were traveling
by sea. Suddenly, the devil
appeared on the ship and
said; Drop anything on the sea
water, if I find it, i’ll eat you, if i don’t find it, i’ll be your
slave.
The American dropped a
Pin, devil found it and ate him. The English man
dropped a Coin, devil found it
and ate him. It was finally the turn of the Nigerian.
The Nigerian, Akpos brought out his
Bottle of water, opened it and
poured a drop of water into the sea and said to
the devil;
Today na Today. Oya, Find the drop.
The devil himself fainted!
One word for Akpos?
Like for more!!!

MATHS

In secondary school, I was very poor in maths and chemistry. During exams, I'd get between 2% and 8%. The results used to be announced out from the lowest to the highest marks, So I would always be the 1st or 2nd to be called out. One day,the maths results were being released and my name wasn't among the first to be called out. The teacher got to 30s,40s,50s,60sand 70s. Still my paper had not been called out. Everyone kept looking at me asking " Guy wats up? How you take do am?" And the teacher went on to the 80s And when he got to 88%, He had one paper remaining. I then asked myself,could I have scored a 90% in maths? I was feeling very anxious and happy now that I knew I had proved the so called genius wrong, Could I have gotten 88%? I thought my dreams have been answered......... The whole class was amazed as every one kept looking at me. It was unbelievable. Finally the teacher looked up and said, "There is a cow that did not write his name on the paper that scored 0%. If you have not received your paper come and get it now... I FAINTED! Share this post with your friends,like this post and comment if I be brilliant boy or not???

DON'T IGNORE THIS JOKE:

DON'T IGNORE THIS JOKE:
One morning at a doctor's office a patient arrives complaining of serious back-pain.
The doctor examines him and asks him" OK,
what happened to your back?"
The patient replies "You know that I work for a local night club right?
This morning I got home to my apartment early and heard a noise in my bedroom. On entering I knew someone had been with my wife and the balcony door was open. I rushed
out the balcony door and did not find anyone. As I looked down from the balcony I saw a man
running out and he was dressing himself. I grabbed the fridge and threw it at him, That’s how I strained my back"
The 2nd patient arrives looking as if he has been in a car wreck. The doctor said "My previous patient looked bad, but you look terrible.
What the hell happened to you?"
He replied, "You know I have been unemployed for
a while now. Today was the first day at my new job.
I forgot to set my alarm and was running late. I was running out of the building, getting dressed at the same time, and you won't believe it but I was hit by a fridge."
The 3rd patient(Mr. Akpors) arrives; he looks even worse than the other two Patients do.. The doctor is shocked.
Again asks,"What the hell happened to youuuuuu.....?"
"Well I was sitting in a fridge & someone threw it from the 3rd floor"......
Like And Comment If You Understand It.

Annoying 8 year old son
Father: son can you plz go and buy me a soft drink.
Son: coke or pepsi?
Father: coke.
Son: Diet or regular?
Father: regular.
Son: bottle or can?
Father: bottle.
Son: 500ml or 1 litre.
Father: Dammit jst buy me water!!!!!!!.
Son: natural or mineral?
Father: mineral!!!!
Son: cold or hot?
Father: im gona strike you wit a broom you idiot!!!!!!!
Son: stick broom or soft broom?
Father:stop this you little animal!!
Son: cow or pig?
Father: get the hell outta her you little bastard!!!!!
Son: Now or later?
Father: NOW!!!!
Son: so are you gonna throw me out or not?
Father:im gona kill you!!!!!!!
Son: wit a gun or knife?
Father: i am gonna shoot u little bastard!!!!!
son:in the head or stomache?
Father: you pest.
Son: cockroach or Rat.
Father: fuck youuuu!!!!!!
Son: with a condom or flesh?
Father : (fainted)
Son : are u dead or sleeping

LOVE

It hurts to love someone & not be loved in return buh wah is more painful is to love someone & never found the courage to let that person know how u feel. Maybe God wants us to meet a few wrong people before meeting the right ones so that when we finally meet the right person we will know how to be grateful for that gift.
Love is when u take away the feeling, the passion, & the romance in a relationship & found out u still care for that person.
A sad thing in life is when u need someone who means a lot to u for u to found out in the end, that it was never meant to be. And u just have to let go.
When the door of happiness closes, another opens buh often times we look so long at the closed door that we don't see the one which has been open for us.
The best kind of friend, is the kind u can just, be wif, never say a word & then walk away feeling, like it was the best conversation you've ever had.
It is true that we don't no what we've got until we lose it buh its also true that we don't no what we've been missing until it arrives... Giving someone all your love is never an assurance that they'll love you back, don't expect love in return. Just wait for it to grow in their heart, buh if it doesn't, be content it grew in yours...
There are things you've loved to hear that u'll never hear from the person who you would like to hear them from, buh don't be so deaf as not to hear it from the one who says it from their heart!!!
Never say goodbye if u still wants to try, never give up if u still feel u can't go on, never say u don't love a person, anymore, if u can't let go...
Love comes to those who still hope
Although they've been disappointed...
To those who still believe
Although they've been betrayed...
To those who still needs to love
Although they've been hurt before...
And to those who have the courage & faith to build trust AGAIN!!!
It takes only a minute to get a crush on someone, an hour to like someone & a day to love someone
Buh it takes a life time to forget someone...
Don't go for looks, they can deceive.
Don't go for wealth, even that fades away...
Go for someone who, makes u smile because it takes only a smile to make a dark days seem bright...

welcome

I think i like this quote "keep away 4rm small people who try to belittle your ambitions.small people always do that,but the really great makes u feel that u too can become great